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Second pregnancy but first miscarriage

May 4, 2014

Dear baby Laila Rae,

I miss you.

You would have been a Sagittarius like your daddy. Your birthstone would have been for November, topaz or citrine; or December, tanzanite or turquoise. Your life pursuit: to live the good life. Your secret desire: to make a difference in the world.

Whether you decided to be early or late, a vaginal birth or a c-section baby, we expected to be holding you in our arms between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. We told a lot of people you were on your way! Family, friends and neighbors were all excited to meet you. I wanted to let you choose your birthday and make sure you were fully formed before your doctor and I would bring you into the world.

By now you would have started out the size of a poppyseed, growing into an appleseed, sweet pea, blueberry, raspberry, green olive, then a prune.

You left before you could make me think you were more developed, to be the size of a lime, plum, peach, lemon... naval orange, avocado, onion, sweet potato... mango, banana, pomegranate, papaya, grapefruit, canteloupe!

I feel like a crazy lady fruit salad right now.

March was the month I took a half dozen pregnancy tests, which were firmly positive March 8. Then I lost my job on March 19 and Derek's pediatrician on March 24.

On April 26, exactly 7 weeks after my positive pregnancy test, I started bleeding and we realized we'd lost you as soon as you arrived. My body had been confused for 2 months! For the past 60 days, I took what turned out to be a whole bottle of prenatal vitamins, one each day. I said a prayer for you and hello to you every morning. My body wanted you to stay even when you knew you couldn't and didn't grow. This entire week since the bleeding started, my heart and soul have been grief stricken - completely shattered - to say the least. We had plans for you, little baby! I even got you a double stroller and a jumperoo, silly but mommy found great deals and couldn't wait to play with you.

We discovered that I was spotting lightly, and held out hopes that it would stop while we went to two birthday parties that day. By the end of the second birthday party, I was really bleeding, and we went to the nearest ER. My nurses were amazing, held my hand and tried to help as much as possible, especially night shift Frosty and Judy. I arrived just before 7pm with a full stomach, gushing blood. My ER doctor and OB-by-phone wrote orders to treat your passing with dignity as safely as possible, but 4am sent me home when I never stopped bleeding.

At 7am I walked to the bathroom, had a vasovagal near-syncope after losing more blood and fluid, but went back to bed. At 11am I woke up with the pads, clothing and mattress soaked in blood. At this time I came back to the ER still bleeding so heavily I had to explain that yes I was pregnant until the day before, that you left as soon as you arrived, and now my pain and bleeding were showing no sign of stopping. After repeat orders for pelvic manual exam, transvaginal ultrasound, and narcotics for pain, I was medically cleared and sent home with methergine to stop the bleeding. On our way home, I will never forget how fast that CVS filled my prescriptions, 3 minutes before closing, with more empathy from the pharmacist than I ever would have expected.

I think I was bleeding so much in the ER and at home because my heart was actually broken. They saw in my womb the tissue that would have held you and once I passed it, they decided the rest of my recovery could be monitored at home unless I developed complications. They didn't check my heart before writing me discharge papers. It's still broken and missing you! I would "ground" you for another 8 months and make you stay and grow inside my belly if I could.

Our families were all so supportive, and they are still calling to check on me frequently as I work on recovering my body and my heart. I'm grateful that they were able to care for your big brother Derek and that he had a good weekend with grandparents and puppies. I'm glad I didn't lose more than a fifth to a quarter of my body's blood, that I didn't need a transfusion or surgery at all, that the cytotec worked when sometimes it doesn't. Our followup visit with the OB in Williamsburg was too soon for us to ask good planning questions for birth control.

I meet my new OB doctor here in town on Tuesday. I hope I don't cry in the office with her, but I can't make any promises. My first request will be to wait in a different area than the waiting room if possible. I'll even call a day ahead to ask if that's an option. I can't be around pregnant women right now, it's too hard.

If there are about a million miscarriages in America every year, why do I feel so alone? If 80% of miscarriages don't happen to the same mom twice, why did it have to happen at all? If you are a "blighted ovum" which is "a condition where the gestational sac grows but the fetus doesn't" why am I still so sad?! I'm "only" 29, but sitting here now wondering about my "ovarian reserve" and "progesterone level" and whether you were disrupted by me working out, adhesions or scar tissue in my uterus, any meds that I was on the week before you were conceived, exposure to cleaning chemicals, alcohol or coffee I still felt the need to drink before we knew you were on the way.

Despite the fact that I will be older when we try to conceive our next child, I will do better next time. No meds, no heavy exercise, no cleaning products, no extra sugar, no alcohol or caffeine. I'll get my hormones and thyroid checked. I'll do my best to minimize stress levels and have job security. I'll ask my doctor to check for Edwards syndrome T18 carrier DNA if possible. I will do anything I can to make sure our next attempt at a child is successful because I can't imagine going through this level of pain again.

I hope you didn't feel any pain when your little egg didn't grow. I hope you're just as happy in heaven where you started and stayed to begin with. Please take care of Derek's other future little sibling up there for us until we are ready for him or her.

We loved you before we even saw those two lines on the pregnancy test. We don't know why you couldn't stay here with us. Right now it's too painful to imagine what your birthday would have been like, but it would have been wonderful to meet you. Jesus will keep taking care of you as he always has. We need Jesus to help us through this time of loss and healing too.

I love you little baby, forever. I am still your mommy and I always will be. I will never forget you and the dreams I carried in my womb and my heart for 10 weeks. Thank you for helping me to imagine a positive birth experience and inspiring me to take better care of myself, Derek and Jere. Thank you for the few short weeks you were here with us. "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

It will take time for me to heal and time to realize all the lessons you were meant to teach us. I will cherish every moment with our family and every rainbow that comes after a storm. We have time. I will be ok. Let the angels know we need a little extra attention for a while.

All my love,

MOM

Comments

( 2 comments — comment )
abhorred_
May. 4th, 2014 05:02 pm (UTC)
oh, mama. *hugs* to you. I'm so very sorry. <3
makale_83
May. 9th, 2014 04:35 am (UTC)
Huge hugs. I also had a missed miscarriage. I had to have surgery though to remove the tissue, which they messed up and I had to have a second one a month later (after bleeding buckets upon buckets of blood. it was awful) I'm so sorry you're going through this and if you need anyone to talk to about it I would be happy to be a shoulder to cry on.

I cried for months after my miscarriage, and I still sometimes cry because I miss that sweet baby to this day. :(
( 2 comments — comment )

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